


Meet and Greet

by Ellimac



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Episode: Fusion Cuisine, F/F, Universe Alteration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-22 15:16:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7444057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellimac/pseuds/Ellimac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Connie's parents won't let her see Steven until they meet his family. Trouble is, his family is a little bigger and a lot odder than they were expecting.</p>
<p>(Or: Fusion Cuisine with added Pearls.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Meet and Greet

**Author's Note:**

> Partially written for pearlshipping week, partially written because I got the idea in my head, "what if Blue Pearl and Yellow Pearl had been with the gems from the start?" Between Fusion Cuisine and the other episode I had in mind, I went with Fusion Cuisine, because it seemed like it would be a good, silly way to set things up.

“What do you _mean_ your mom won’t let you come over? It’s the mid-season pre-finale of _Under the Knife_!”

It was one week after the disastrous phone call with Garnet, and Steven was eager to see Connie again. Unfortunately, that seemed to be destined not to happen.

“My parents are really upset,” Connie said. “They say they will not let me see you again until they meet both of your parents in person.”

“But… that’s impossible,” Steven said.

“I know,” Connie said, sounding pained. “But… they want both of our families to go out together for dinner.”

Steven smiled. “That sounds so… adult. I wonder if Fish Stew Pizza will take reservations for…” He did a quick count on his fingers. Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, Yellow Pearl, Blue Pearl, Greg… “All ten of us.”

“You can’t bring everybody!”

“Why not?”

“Because… _because_ …” Connie’s tone got quieter and faster. “I told my parents you have a nuclear family.”

Steven threw up his free arm. “ _Nuclear_? Sure, they make stuff blow up sometimes, but that’s because they’re magic, _not_ radioactive!”

“Steven…” Connie sounded exasperated. “Nuclear means two adults and their child and/or children. My parents think you live with your mother and father.”

“But… none of that is true!” Steven turned to look outside, where Yellow Pearl and Pearl were arguing about something. “You never told your parents about the Crystal Gems?”

“No, and it has to stay that way! If they found out I lied to them, they’ll never let me hang out with you again!”

Steven made an expression of dismay. That would be the worst possible consequence.

“Okay,” he said. “We’ll figure something out.”

\--

Twenty minutes later, Steven, Greg, and all of the gems were gathered in the living room.

“Okay, okay, okay. Let's focus,” Steven said. “Which of you would make the best and most nuclear mom?”

He looked at the gems leaning against the counter, pondering each of them thoughtfully. “Garnet, you keep us safe by scaring off the bad guys, just like a mom would.” He paused, remembering the phone call from earlier. “But you're not the best conversationalist.” He turned instead to Amethyst. “Amethyst, you would be a super fun mom!”

Amethyst grinned at him. Her mouth was full of food, and dripping with drool. Steven frowned uncertainly. “Can moms be gross?”

“Why not?” Amethyst said, as she stuffed a finger up her nose. Steven quickly moved on. Only Pearl, Blue Pearl, and Yellow Pearl were left.

“Pearl!” Steven said. “You're always worried about me, you teach me lots of stuff…” He started to smile as he listed her virtues. “You're approachable, and you're, like, totally not gross.”

Pearl looked at Amethyst, who was chewing with her mouth open and had snot dripping out of her nose. She made a disgusted face, and Steven looked down, disappointed.

“But... you can't eat dinner,” he said. He turned now to Blue Pearl. “And you… do Connie’s parents know sign language?”

“Oh, for goodness’ sake, _I’ll_ go,” Yellow Pearl said, exasperated, before he could get to her.

Blue Pearl tugged at her arm and projected the pair of them, holding hands.

“She’s right,” Steven said. “You guys _have_ to go together. You could be my moms… but Connie told her parents I have a mom _and_ a dad.” He groaned. “Man, why did Connie have to say I have one mother instead of zero? Or two? Or five?”

He went to sit on the couch with Greg, who put a comforting arm around him. “We’ll figure this thing out. We just have to put our heads together.”

Steven immediately perked up. “Why didn’t I think of this before? It’s so obvious!” He jumped up and ran over to the gems. “You can all come to dinner, all five of you! Fused into one!”

Yellow Pearl laughed, and immediately smothered it with her hand over her mouth when Blue Pearl glared at her. The other gems reacted with shock, and Pearl said, “Steven, you know we only fuse in deadly situations!”

“It’d be like… like I’m actually bringing my whole family,” Steven said, not listening to her.

“That’s insane,” Amethyst said.

“Fusion is serious magic,” Garnet said. “Not a trick for dinner parties.”

“Besides,” added Yellow Pearl, “do you know how hard it is to sustain a fusion with that many gems? Three of us are Pearls, _yes_ , but that really wouldn’t make it any easier.”

Blue Pearl, still holding onto her arm, nodded along with every word.

Between the five of them, they seemed to have him convinced. He looked at the floor. “I know,” he said. “I guess this is it. I’ll never get to see Connie again. Oh, Connie! I’ll never know a star that shines as bright as you.”

There was a pause. Then Garnet sighed.

“We have no choice,” she said.

“Hold on,” Yellow Pearl said. “We might not have a choice, but I, for one, do _not_ see this going well. Five of us in one single fusion? We’d break apart instantly. Plus, there’s no _way_ we’d fit in the restaurant. Do you even know how big that fusion would be? There’s no way for it to work.”

“Yes, there is,” Garnet said. “There’s got to be. For Steven’s sake.”

Greg, mostly unnoticed by the gems until now, cut in. “Hold on a minute,” he said. “Steven, did Connie say anything to her parents about extended family?”

“Uh… I don’t think so,” Steven said. “Why?”

Greg’s mouth took on a determined set. “Then I know exactly what we can do.”

\--

They were late arriving to dinner, mainly because Steven insisted that they all dress up nice, including all the gems. But when they couldn’t find a bowtie big enough for the fusion, they gave up, and she scooped the rest of them up and headed to dinner.

They must have made quite a sight, arriving as they did: Alexandrite, carrying Greg and Steven in one hand, and the two other Pearls in another; all of them except Alexandrite wearing a bowtie (Steven, the two Pearls) or a nice sweater (Greg). Steven waved hello from his perch. “Hi, Connie! Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Maheswaran!”

Alexandrite set them all down gently. Yellow Pearl did not let go of Blue Pearl’s hand for an instant, though she at least made an effort not to scowl at everything. Blue Pearl, for her part, smiled at the Maheswarans and waved.

“Thanks… honey buns,” Greg said, craning his neck to look up at his “wife.”

“You’re welcome, Greg,” she said, obviously feeling just as awkward about this as he was.

He approached the table and reached across it to shake hands. “I’m Greg Universe,” he said. “And this massive drink of water is my wife, Alexandrite.”

Alexandrite pulled a face like she had just eaten something that tasted terrible. “Hiiiii.”

“And these are my, uh, sisters,” Greg hurried on, gesturing to Blue and Yellow Pearl. His eyes went to their hands and he quickly amended, “They’re married. I mean, they’re not both my sisters, obviously, if they’re married. They’re… one of them is my sister-in-law. But I call them both my sisters because we’re all so close!” He let out a fake laugh and patted Yellow Pearl on the shoulder. She looked at his hand, then looked at him, and forced a brief smile.

“It’s… a pleasure to meet you all,” Mr. Maheswaran said. “I didn’t realize your family was… uh… quite so big.”

“We can all fit here,” Steven said happily, oblivious to any tension.

Alexandrite sat in the corner spot, scrunching up as small as she could make herself, which wasn’t very small. Greg sat next to her, and Steven sat on his other side, opposite Connie. Two extra chairs were brought out for Blue and Yellow Pearl, but when they were placed at opposite ends of the table, Blue opted instead to simply sit in Yellow’s lap.

The evening, in Steven’s view, started off very well. Alexandrite ate all the breadsticks, and Blue and Yellow hardly looked at anything but each other, but it seemed that Connie’s parents were more or less fine with Steven’s family, even if they weren’t quite what they had been expecting.

“So tell me,” Connie’s mother said, “how did you two meet?”

“Huh? How’d we meet?” Greg looked at Alexandrite, then around the table for help. None of them had anticipated that kind of question. But Blue Pearl and Yellow Pearl were hardly paying attention. “Well, we, um…”

“They met on a roller coaster!” Steven interjected, jumping up from his chair.

This got everyone’s attention, and he looked at Alexandrite as he realized what a flimsy lie that was. “She… was too tall to ride!” he added, with a grin he hoped would convince Connie’s parents that it was true.

Connie shook her head at him from across the table. He sat back down, and Blue Pearl gave him a gentle pat on his shoulder.

“Uh… yeah,” Greg said, forcing a laugh. “I remember it like it was yesterday. Right, honey?”

He put his hand on Alexandrite’s leg. She simply looked at him. Yellow Pearl leaned close to Steven and whispered, “What’s a roller coaster?”

Connie frowned. Steven shrugged sheepishly. Alexandrite, apparently not sure what else to do, patted Greg on the back (at least, it was a pat to her, but it had enough pressure to knock Greg right into the table) and said, “Have some more breadsticks. Dear.”

“ _We_ met in an… arcade,” Yellow Pearl interjected, leaning forward to direct attention away from Greg and Alexandrite. “We were playing… that dancing game. With the meat.”

Steven was beginning to sweat. “Uh… yeah,” he said. “Meat Beat Mania? They’re really good at it.”

Blue Pearl nodded vigorously and began to sign, her hands moving so fast even Steven could barely follow them. Yellow Pearl, however, laughed. “So true!”

Blue Pearl grinned and kissed Yellow Pearl’s cheek. Yellow Pearl giggled. Steven had never seen them like this. Oh, he knew they were in love, but they were usually a lot more… well… low-key about it.

There was a brief silence. Then Mr. Maheswaran turned back to Greg and Alexandrite and said, “So, uh, what is it that you two do for a living, Mr. and Mrs. Universe?”

“Well, you see, I own a local carwash,” Greg said. “And my sweet, dear wife here, uh…”

Steven jumped up again. “My mom works on an apple farm!”

He thought it was a good lie, but Connie stared at him for a moment, then let her head fall onto the table.

“What do we say about heads on the table?” Mrs. Maheswaran said, and Connie lifted her head a few inches. Yellow Pearl burst into giggles, though that seemed to be from something Blue had signed, rather than what was going on around them. Maybe it had been a mistake to bring them. But then he wouldn’t have his whole family along, and he couldn’t have _that_.

“She uses all her arms to pick apples out of huge trees,” Steven said, hoping this would lend credibility to the lie.

Greg, looking nervously at Steven, said, “Well, you know what they say. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”

“Yes,” Alexandrite said. “I hate doctors.”

“Well, I’m a doctor,” Mrs. Maheswaran said, sounding annoyed for the first time that evening.

Yellow Pearl didn’t help the situation by bursting into a fit of giggles that attracted everyone’s attention. When she noticed them staring at her, she said, “What? My… wife… is very funny.”

Blue Pearl kissed the tip of her nose, and Yellow turned all her attention to her again.

Connie lifted her head up with a slightly frantic smile. “Steven, help me find the restroom!”

Once away from the others, Steven said, “Things are going pretty good so far, huh?”

Connie, though, did not agree. “Steven, are you _kidding_ me? Blue Pearl and Yellow Pearl won’t stop touching each other and—and what is this… _thing_ that you brought to dinner?”

Steven looked at her in surprise. “It… it’s my family. It’s Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl, all fused together into a… six-armed… giant woman.”

“Why couldn’t you just bring _one_ of the gems?” Connie said. “Or have them all come separately as your aunts?”

“Oh…” That solution hadn’t occurred to him. Connie saw it in his face and sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. And Steven noticed something.

“Your glasses,” he said.

She frowned. “What about them?”

“I healed your eyes! You don’t even need to wear those anymore!”

Connie flushed and looked up, to the right, down—anywhere but at Steven. “What are you talking about?”

Steven’s frown grew. “All that stuff you told your parents about my family—you’re just ashamed of me!”

Connie threw up her arms and turned away. “Whatever, Steven. Let’s just focus on getting through the evening.”

Getting through the evening, though, was easier said than done. When they returned, they found everyone at the table sitting in an awkward silence, except Blue, who had a hand pressed over her mouth trying not to giggle, and Yellow, who was grinning at her. Everyone else was looking anywhere but at them. Steven could see why; they were so caught up with each other that it felt like he was intruding on a private moment just by looking at them.

“Uh,” he said. “Yellow, Blue, uh… why don’t you… take a bathroom break?”

Yellow looked at him in surprise, as if she had forgotten that he was there. “Why would we do that?”

But Blue caught on, and quickly signed “good idea.” She hopped off of Yellow’s lap, and tugged at her hand until the light dawned on her, too.

“Oh,” she said. “Yes. We’ll be… taking a bathroom break. Bye.”

Blue tugged her off, conspicuously not in the direction of the restaurant. Steven covered his eyes for a moment, but had to uncover them when Connie pulled him toward the table again.

Connie was much better at this whole lying thing than he was. “So,” she said, as if the interruption with Blue and Yellow had never happened, “Steven was telling me that on his mom’s apple farm, they’re bioengineering a Gala-Fuji hybrid.”

Steven looked down at his plate as the waiter set it down. “Yes, that’s definitely true.”

“Will the last two members of your party be returning?” the waiter asked, holding two more plates of food. What had Yellow and Blue ordered? Steven couldn’t even remember.

“No,” Alexandrite said. “Give them to me. I don’t want them.”

Steven and Greg exchanged a worried glance, but Connie’s parents didn’t seem to notice the contradictory statement. The waiter put both plates in front of Alexandrite, to go with her own plate of shrimp, and whisked himself away back into the restaurant.

“Tell us more about the Gala-Fuji hybrid,” Connie said, a desperate note entering her tone.

Alexandrite took a forkful of food and lifted it to her mouth, but before she could put it in, her head turned. Steven gripped the table in worry.

“What are you doing?” Alexandrite said.

One of her hands came up to push her mouth back into position. “I’m hungry!”

A third hand came up to push the hand holding food down. “I don’t think so.”

Steven watched in horror as Alexandrite began to fight herself. He spared a worried glance at Connie’s parents, who were looking up at Alexandrite in disbelief.

“Stop!” Steven cried, after Alexandrite punched herself in the face. “You don’t have to eat it!”

Alexandrite looked at him. Then her face began to come apart. Mr. and Mrs. Maheswaran’s disbelief turned to horror as she stood up and began to glow—and with a popping noise, fell apart into three separate gems.

“Steven!” Pearl dragged herself across the beach to him. “Thank you so much! You don’t know how horrified I was when that dreck nearly fell into our mouths.” She shuddered. “Eating food is so disgusting! You chew it into nasty mush, swallow that goop, and it comes out of you? What a completely horrid experience!”

Amethyst came over, rubbing her stomach. “Uh, speak for yourself. I love it when mush passes through my body.”

“It doesn't matter what you two think,” Garnet said, exasperated. “We're doing this for Steven.”

She summoned her gauntlets and hit them both on the head, just as Connie’s family came up to them.

“What is going on here?” Mr. Maheswaran demanded. “Who are _they_?”

Mrs. Maheswaran turned on Connie. “I knew I should have trusted my bad feelings about this new friend of yours, but I never thought I wouldn’t be able to trust my own daughter.”

Connie gaped for a moment, then turned and ran. Steven, without pausing for thought, ran after her.

The last thing he was expecting was to run right into Yellow and Blue, but they had gone the same way Connie had, and were apparently alerted by all the noise that Alexandrite had made fighting and unfusing. Blue Pearl caught Connie, and Yellow Pearl caught Steven and asked, “What’s going on?”

“I messed up,” Connie said. “I messed up big time. Steven…” She turned to him, and Blue let her go. “I’m so sorry. It’s not that I’m ashamed of you. I was just so worried my parents would think all this magic stuff is weird. What if they don’t let me hang out with you anymore?”

She started to cry. Yellow Pearl, who had been hesitantly reaching for her as if to offer comfort, withdrew her hand. She was, if anything, more squeamish about human functions she didn’t understand than Pearl was.

“You didn’t mess up,” Steven said. “ _I_ did. I’m sorry. I wish there was a way we could just… hang out. Without having to worry about stuff.”

Yellow Pearl sniffed and crossed her arms. “That’s exactly why we came here in the first place. They would _never_ have allowed this kind of thing back home.”

“That’s it!” Connie said. “We’ll run away!”

Yellow Pearl stared at her. “That’s not what I—”

“Let’s just hop on a bus and live somewhere else, without telling anyone,” Connie interrupted. She paused, and turned to Blue and Yellow Pearl. “You guys wouldn’t tell anyone, right?”

“Uh,” said Yellow Pearl.

 She glanced at Blue, who raised her hands to sign something. But before she could, Steven said, “That’s a great idea!”

“Come on,” Connie said enthusiastically. “The bus stop is this way.”

She took Steven’s hand and ran up to the bus stop, leaving Blue and Yellow Pearl to stare after them. After a moment, Yellow Pearl turned to Blue and said, “We should tell someone, right?”

Blue nodded vigorously. So hand in hand, she and Yellow hurried back to the restaurant.

But not so quickly that they didn’t have time for a kiss, first.

\--

“What were you _thinking_ , running off with Connie like that?” Pearl scolded. “You could have gotten yourselves hurt!”

“Or gotten mangled in traffic,” Garnet added.

“Or thrown in prison!” Amethyst said.

All of this was said while Blue and Yellow Pearl nodded, trying to look stern while holding hands. Both Connie and Steven, after they had been “rescued” from the bus by Alexandrite, had been brought back to the restaurant for a thorough chewing out. Steven wasn’t about to argue that they didn’t deserve it, but that didn’t make it any more pleasant.

“Steven,” Pearl said sternly, “you are in _very_ big trouble, and we have no choice but to punish you.”

“But…” Steven didn’t even know what he was going to say. But Blue and Yellow reported them? But it was Connie’s idea? But he couldn’t put the blame on any of them. He loved them all too much.

“No dinner for one thousand years,” Garnet said.

Steven’s eyes grew wide as he tried to hold back tears. “One thousand?”

Pearl glared at Garnet, then turned back to Steven. “We would never starve you. But you will lose your TV privileges.”

“For one thousand years,” added Yellow Pearl.

“Yes,” Pearl said. “For one thousand years.”

“No!” Steven collapsed to his knees. “The mid-season pre-finale of _Under the Knife_! How can you do this to me?”

Greg put a hand on his shoulder. “Because we love you, Steven.”

Steven clutched his head in his hands. It was impossible to argue with that.

“That was a masterful use of the ‘because we love you’ shutdown,” Connie’s mother commented. “I’m quite partial to the ‘it’s for your own good!’ myself.”

“That one thousand years of no dinner bit was pretty funny,” Mr. Maheswaran said.

Garnet, expressionless, said, “All comedy is derived from fear.”

Mr. Maheswaran laughed uncomfortably. Blue Pearl signed something quickly to Yellow, who smothered a laugh.

“I did not know what to make of the two of—sorry, four of you,” Mr. Maheswaran said, “but I see that you are responsible parents. Uh… caregivers? Guardians? I do have one question, though.” She looked over to Blue and Yellow, who were once again paying attention only to each other, and lowered her voice. “Your sisters, Greg… do they… _live_ with you?”

“Y—” Steven began, but Connie shot him a glare that said “shut up” more clearly than anything she said out loud would have.

“No,” Greg said, apparently thinking along the same lines as Connie. “They’re… visiting.”

“Oh. Good.” Mr. Maheswaran stepped back, satisfied.

“So,” Connie said, eagerness coloring her tone, “I can still hang out with Steven?”

Her parents shared a brief look. Then her mother said, “Sure.”

“Yay!” Steven, unable to contain his excitement, ran over to Connie to hug her. It was short-lived, though, as it was apparently too much physically contact for her father, who quickly pulled them apart.

Several feet away, the gems watched the scene unfold, smiles on their faces.

“We did it,” Yellow Pearl said smugly, and kissed Blue Pearl on the cheek.

Pearl turned to glare at them. “You two were no help at all,” she said.

“We got Steven back, didn’t we?” Yellow said. “And he still gets to see his friend. I’d call _that_ a victory for the ages.” She smiled at Blue Pearl, a tender expression she saved only for Blue, and sometimes for Pearl.

“Of course you would,” Amethyst said with a grin. She reached up a hand. “Hey, Blue. High five.”

Blue smiled and obligingly slapped hands with Amethyst. Pearl rolled her eyes, but when she turned away, she was smiling too. Despite the absolute mess of an evening, everything seemed to be turning out for the best.


End file.
